These are my thoughts…that’s it…sorry if you googled this blog hoping to discover the answer to the mystery of the assassination of one of our nations’s presidents!
I am sitting on my parent’s porch for the last time, at least for the last time as a person who lives in this house. I am moving to Austin tomorrow morning. There is a lot on my mind, in my heart and in boxes (literal boxes).
In the middle of combing through everything, procrastinating greatly by watching 3 episodes of Six Feet Under and getting ready to procrastinate with a few episodes of Dexter, I will take a break. I am on the porch, where I find peace. It is sticky and hot. about 90+ degrees at 8pm. I am drinking water with lime and watching golfers pass by on their carts.
The sky turned gray this afternoon, deep, dark and building into something menacing, my favorite kind of sky. It seems that when big change is occurring in my life, the sky will share its approval/empathy/excitement by generating a change in its appearance. There has been no rain yet, but just a deep gray that has turned into a beautiful sunset.
I’m writing this post in an interesting state of mind. I just woke up and am halfway between awake and asleep. This is the state where I find most of my jokes really funny and have no censor on anything I say. Somehow, this is the state that I often write emails to friends from. I usually end up going back to the emails and regretting them or sending an apology email.
Every few months, I wake up because my body won’t let me sleep anymore. The longer I stay in bed, the worse my anxiety for the day gets. I know there are things to do and the pressures and fear seem inescapable. This is a state that I care not to visit often.
I have not experienced a state of peace for a long, long time. I think that some of that is because there is so much riding on my actions to get to Austin that I don’t ever feel that I can rest.
My hope is to find myself in Austin soon in a state of calm joy.
In Living Cover is Jay Brannan’s new album. Click HERE to listen to his cover of Zombie by the Cranberries. In case you are not aware of Jay Brannan or how much I love him as a musician (and secret best friend), check it out!
Last night, I was minding my own business, watching tv, and all of a sudden felt a pain in my side. “Oh no” I thought, this feels familiar. It was the same feeling you get when all of a sudden you swallow, and your throat hurts and you realize that you are getting sick. I knew that I was had another kidney stone.
I have spent a lot of the day looking up home remedies and herbal ways to break up kidney stones. I can’t afford to go to the doctor for this and I refuse to pay a lot of money for medicine that I don’t need.
While searching the internet, I have found plenty of weird recommendations such as:
coke and asparagus
coconut milk and lemon juice
Apple cider vinegar
I eventually found a youtube video of a guy recommending lemon juice and water. This sounded reasonable and pretty sensical. He gave step by step instructions for this remedy and everything seemed understandable until the last part of the video. Instead of explaining, I will show you:
Is this similar to diet pill commercials that have the “disclaimer” saying that a diet and regular exercise are necessary for this to work?
I am sitting in bed, thinking about the one little thing that I have to do today before I can enjoy the day off. I have been sitting here for an hour, procrastinating and doing very little. Why?
I know that I am just on the tip of touching this thought that has been in the back of my head for a long time now (is that enough imagery for you?).
I go to work
Watch TV
Eat good food
Read
Lay by the pool
Apply for jobs
try to build meaningful relationships with friends
journal
Most of the time I feel that I am not contributing anything except for fulfilling this tiny circle of existence that does not really impact anything big, it does not make a difference. I have a deepest desire to make a difference, to make something. My gut is starting to boil from apathy and I feel that the time is near. The problem:
I don’t know what to do.
I feel stuck with this strange passion to do something huge, impacting, and yet I have no clue what that would be. Maybe I am looking at this with too much of a “big picture” eye and I should just take it one day at a time. Maybe, right now, all I need is the passion, the antsy-ness. Maybe something big will present itself soon.
I had a few conversations with the man that made this video this weekend, good conversations. Over the past several weeks, he has been making videos for his friends that work 8-5 jobs. These are his Wednesday/hump day videos. This is the most recent one:
Is this similar to diet pill commercials that have the “disclaimer” saying that a diet and regular exercise are necessary for this to work?